I've never needed to take anything to help me sleep, until these past few weeks. So when I slept through the night last night, alllll night, without sleep aids, that was new and unusual. It helps to blog earlier in the night/day so that I can be stretching/foam rolling/relaxing for a while before I try to go to sleep.
got to go to the temple today:)
This afternoon I felt very frustrated. After getting off the phone with all the people I just had a good ol' fashioned break down. Like loud sobbing and yelling in vain. Thankfully Mark was here to comfort me so it didn't last long :) To know that there is a possible treatment out there for your daughter whose body may be getting run over by cancer as I type this, yet I can't get access to it yet, is heartbreaking and infuriating and ugly and I hate those realities.
I sometimes hardly have time to eat, usually lunch. Between being mom of 3 kids, being on phone calls/text/email between doctors and insurance, and receiving visits and messages of love for Ruby (which is awesome) it gets busy. I think it helped last night that I ate a yogurt and granola before bed. I've had nights where my stomach is growling because I didn't eat enough during the day.
In line with the physical needs our bodies have...I have felt no temptations to food like I typically have daily. I haven't felt anger or frustration with the girls like usual. I have felt a deep love for my family. I have felt a strong conviction that there is life beyond what we see. I have felt humbled and grateful every day. I know that it isn't just me. Its a phenomenon that happens when hard things come your way and as you're willing to listen and do your best, Heavenly Father is looking our for you. It is a change in your body and spirit that seems inevitable to me as I try hard to do what He would have me do. If life didn't throw biz at us like this, we'd sure have a hard time changing from natural people we are since things would just be easy peasy.
I look at Ruby every day knowing, but not really fully understanding, that there is a disease in her body that could take her young life. We all will pass on, but our brains are limited and forget that fact often, mine included. But for the most part, I live these current days trying to remember all the moments. I forget by bed time, but while I'm in the moment I think "I never want to forget this..."
You go to a funeral and you try to remember all those moments and memories you had with that person. Maybe wish you had done things differently, or seen that person more. You go support their surviving family for a day or two.
With our family now, I feel like Heavenly Father is blessing us by allowing us see all those people would be there after we were gone. Only its amazing because Ruby, and all of us, are still here. Its this intense outpouring of love that is exponential because its not just for Ruby, its for every person in my family. And we are here, all together, enjoying it all. I hope that doesn't sound too weird ;)
love in the mail from friends in California
Song of the day Silver Lining by First Aid Kit
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