Initial results

 I'm sorry, I don't even want to post this, because then maybe it will be real. And if I don't tell anyone, we can just keep acting like everything is fine. But it may not be, and I know you'd want to know. And really I do want you to know.

First, I really need you to help us. I need you to pray, and if you don't pray or don't believe in a higher power, ask yourself why not, because its totally awesome.  So, as you read this post, please keep a prayer in your heart and remember:

(This is a talk from Elder Eyring in the last General Conference. In case you have no idea who I'm talking about, what General Conference is, or what "the Spirit" is, I would hope you would ask me, or go to LDS.org)

While a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, George Q. Cannon urged that we make a constant quest for the Spirit to be with us. He promised, and I promise it as well, that if we pursue that course, we “will never lack for knowledge” of the truth, “never be in doubt or in darkness,” and our “faith will be strong, [our] joy … full.”2

And I don't want to be in darkness, I may be crying or sad or worried, but I want to do it in the light. I want to be able to understand and see what decisions we may need to make.
que this video :)

I don't know a lot, but I know the principles and teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints makes my life good and happy and hopeful. And I can't say that I never doubt or feel dark. But I do know that light and good and joy and faith can only make things better. I'd say I am fairly, to most definitely clueless, as to what lies ahead for me and my family, but I'm sure that I want it to be as awesome as possible.  Why do I talk about all this churchy stuff? Because it is what guides my thoughts, actions and basically my life, which in turn determines my outlook with this whole life-is-crazy stuff.

Second, BE POSITIVE. Fake it til you make it if you have to. I am off and on :) Its hard enough as it is, and being a Debby Downer isn't going to help. This is especially important to us around our 3 radical daughters. They are kids, and I want them to enjoy being kids! I want them to understand what is going on, but until we have solid answers and solid plans, it doesn't need to be bawled over in front of them, at least not if I can help it...because sometimes I just can't. Please be positive, especially in front of them. With Mark and I, keep being the uplifting, supportive, amazing, generous, compassionate people you are and have been. Mourning with those who mourn is real and powerful and we have felt it and are thankful.

I emailed Dr Holly this morning "This waiting game has been fun, but do you think we'll hear anything soon?"
She emailed back this evening with the initial report from pathology...essentially what our conversation has been this past week: It looks like metastatic melanoma. You can google those ugly words yourself if you want. It is not confirmed 110%, but yes, that is what it looks like. Its hard to see it written, instead of just in private conversation.  The genetic testing has started and we will wait for that to add to the pathology report.
When I read it, it was about 4:50pm. Just before I was about to take Jane's friend home and go pick up Siri at her friends and go to the book fair at the school.  I felt sick, kind of hungry (because I think I was), but a little empty in my soul or something. I don't know how to explain it. I was glad to be going from book fair to soccer practice, etc. When I was at the book fair I forwarded the email to Mark so he could read it. We saw each other for about 2 minutes as I got home before he left to go to the temple with the young men (church stuff ). I'm glad I didn't have time to let the darkness overcome me.  And as I write this is helping. Huh, and to think as I started I didn't want to. I'm sure when I try to go to bed I'll be tested. At least I know ahead of time. Wait a second...that reminds me of why we are here on this earth. This is getting deep.

Dr. Holly is going to call me in the morning. And no, I don't know what is next. Maybe a PET scan? Probably laying out a plan of what drugs may work for Ruby and how to get them. The ones we have talked about are not available at Primary Childrens. Crazy right?! But there are at multiple other places, including UCSF (California) and St.Jude's Hospital (Tennessee). There is also "compassionate use", which if you meet certain criteria they will give the drug to your hospital. Maybe I should start a petition for that just in case :)  None of this talk is a solid plan, but we have to start figuring out what to do in case we need to move forward.   And for now, that means sleeping, because no one wants to do anything unless they've had a good sleep.  Oh, and watch Nacho Libre, if you like that kind of show. It's funny.

on a walk today with a friend and neighbor

holding my dears close