Give said the little stream

Ruby's favorite song is Give Said the Little Stream. Nap, bed, anytime, she loves it. That, and Happy Birthday :)



Yesterday we went for a scheduled checkup for Ruby. She had an MRI and chest x ray, then we met with her oncologist (even though she's technically never had cancer), Dr.Holly Perlman. She woke up twice during the MRI, had to have more drugs, and peed her pants. Woops! Ruby did amazing, not even a tear when they put in the IV. She was a little grumpy when she woke from sedation. She didn't mind the chest xray and was happy all day (despite not having her regular nap). Holly did see a white spot on the top of Ruby's chest that looked suspicious. It was white, where it should be black, and very defined. She called to have a CT scheduled, so we waited a couple hours as opposed to having to come back another day.





I didn't think too much of it. I thought it could be something, but she has had pink eye, an ear infection, and a cold, so maybe something related to that. And maybe a growth, but not serious.  When we went back to see her, she walked in the room finally around 4:30pm...with a social worker. I knew that was a bad sign. She said there were multiple spots. They're all over. She didn't say cancer, but its more what wasn't said. I asked to see the CT scan. They are all sizes, but there were too many to count as we rolled through the images.



I felt so weird. Like my head was tingling, or freezing, but without the cold. It took a few minutes to understand how serious she was. When she got teary eyed, I knew. I knew this is something bigger than we understand right now.  All the while, Ruby was playing with little tea cups, plates, cupcakes, chocolates, spoons. She is A DORABLE!

I didn't have many questions right then, I mostly wanted to get home before traffic got too bad :)  I understood the urgency since Holly said she wanted to get a biopsy done soon, like in the next day or two. Barf. I just really don't like that. There is talk of traveling to St.Jude Hospital where there is a doctor who specializes more in pediatric melanoma, if that's what this is. But maybe its not! So let's just wait. And besides, there is no other choice :)

A friend brought dinner over, even though I had refused the day before. I thought all would be well and I'd be home by noon. I'm so glad she insisted.

Right now. Siri is at school, Jane is at preschool. Ruby is sleeping like a gem in her little big girl bed. I'm sweaty from the gym and need to shower, which is very typical for me on a weekday after lunch :)  We are waiting to hear from the hospital on when the biopsy will be. Maybe tomorrow, and Ruby will have to stay a few days if they're going to have to get into the lung.

I was so tired last night that I feel asleep pretty quick. But before I got in bed, I went and sat by Ruby's bed, just laying with her for a while. Staring at her little fingers, thumb halfway in her mouth. Feeling her ribs and she breathed in and out. Ruby woke me up about 2:30am, which I was excited about. She has always cried out when needs to pee at night, but she followed our instruction this time and came and got me. I put some socks on her as she seemed cold. Turned up her space heater. She asked me to sing Give Said the Little Stream.  I went back to bed and had a racing heart, knots in my stomach. I slept off and on, but felt better in the morning.

I went to visit teach one of my sisters in the ward. I broke down when I tried to share a spiritual message, and her hug made me feel secure. I took the girls to the gym so I could workout for a little bit. I called a few more family members to tell them and ask for their prayers. I came home to a bucket of goodies and yellow flowers. I keep glancing at them to brighten my thoughts. Thank you, whoever you are.

And now I blog so that I can let more people know. With her birth March 2013 and her surgery January 2015, I felt more at peace, less burden. I am hoping that can happen again. That as we share what is going on with her, that she, and I, and all of us involved can feel lifted.

I feel unsure, sad, worried. I don't want the adversary, aka Satan, to get me down. I believe he is real, I believe that it takes effort and fight and faith to stay positive.  I want to feel sunshine in my soul and in my smile.

There are too many unknowns right now, and I know it will get better and we find out more. Be positive. Whatever the outcome, we can choose to be positive.
Just wait with us and see.