This NICU thing is a rollercoaster, but not in a fun let's-go-do-that-again type of way. More like a, I'm-up-and-so-happy wait now-I'm-down-and-so-discouraged type of way.
Today I was told that the pathologist who we assumed was currently looking at the biopsy is actually out of town all week. They didn't give me specifics but from what I gather, that would mean we wouldn't hear back from her until late next week. My face went blank. Do I cry? Am I angry? I think I'm disappointed? Can we just go now? Really, I just want to take Ruby and leave.
She is still working at getting stronger and improving at eating from a bottle. I didn't put too much effort into nursing because then if I wear her out she won't take a bottle at all. I'm fine just pumping and doing bottles if that will help her get home faster.
And then there was the part of the afternoon where the therapist came to visit. I was feeding Ruby a bottle. She gave me suggestions on how to help her stay awake and better positions to hold her. It was helpful. But then she got all knit picky about how Ruby's arm should be when she's feeding from a bottle and how it will help her coordination and strength blah blah blah! If you know me, I do not swear. I think swear words are ugly and generally unnecessary. I wanted to swear at her. Lady, I appreciate your efforts and I know this is your job, but if you'd just let me take her home I feel like she would develop just fine, and p.s. you have bad breath. Then she went on about moving Ruby to a crib so they could attach toys to it and do more things to stimulate her. You'd think I'd be excited about this, but I had an outburst of "no!"...to me a crib means she's going to be here a while longer. No way jose. Sorry for anyone named Jose.
I have to remember they are doing their best for her. She's a "hospital baby" (I hate it when they say that but its true). She doesn't have normal stimulation. It's just starting to drive me crazy about how exact everything has to be. I don't blame them, they have to have schedules, policies, etc...but I just don't want to be a part of it anymore.
After the therapist left I found myself humming songs close to Ruby's ear to block out the beeping of the monitors and crying of the other babies in the room. As tears came to my eyes, I whispered to our girl that she's strong, can do this, she has to do this. Please Ruby, please girlfriend.
9 comments:
Ali, so many memories come back reading this. I know exactly what you mean. I decided it wasn't worth it to try nursing after a while because it made him so tired and he couldn't eat everything. The hospital sucks but I realized after how necessary it was. Hang in there. Thinking of you.
Just so you know (in case you didn't already), I love you a ton. And I wish I could fix this for you. It does, however, sounds like you could have used my face punching abilities today. Just remember, my fists are ready.
Ali, I really am in awe at how you are handling this and i love the last part of this post. It made me cry and again think about how lucky Ruby is to have you as a mom. Hang in there my friend.
I only had one baby in the NICU, and it was only for 4 days. But it was miserable, and I always felt like they were treating me like I was trying to steal someone else's baby, instead of just be with my own. ARRGH! Hopefully you can take her home soon.
You should tell them, hey guess what! I have a crib at home and 2 other kids that I've breast and bottle fed, this isn't my first. Then remind them that those 2kids at home and all of their noise and coming and going and holding and touching and loving will provide tons of stimulation. Oh and let's not forget the light coming in the windows and the sounds of "Normal life" happening. Too bad you really can't break out! But, you're doing your best and what you know how to do. Sorry it can be so rough, hopefully you can trick them and get her home soon!!!! Love to you!
Thinking of you!!!!!
Ali, this post keeps running through my head...especially because I am a nurse at PCMC. It's always good to read a parent's/patients perspective. I have worked at Primary's over 2 years and still wouldn't have guessed something like offering/suggesting a crib could be such an emotional obstacle :( The hospital really does take away every aspect of normalcy. I'm so sorry I want to cry for you. We become so accustomed to the routines of the hospital sometimes we dont think twice about them. I hope Ruby will meet her discharge criteria soon...it will be so good for her to just go home.
i Love you ali!
You are fun and funny! Ruby is lucky to have you as a Mom! You are both fighters. And if you decide to swear sometime about all this, it is probably appropriate and what swear words were made for.
:'-( (((( u )))) <3
Post a Comment