Being open and vulnerable to feeling joy

I love my family.
I love my ward and neighbors.
I love fresh produce from the neighbor.


I don't like feeling too busy.
I don't like going to bed too late.
I don't like crumbs under my bare feet in the kitchen.

I've been listening to some lectures by Brene Brown. I have loved the listening of it (usually while doing dishes, working out, making food, folding laundry), vs reading . It has given me encouragement to keep opening my heart. After June 7 when we heard Ruby had to stop immunotherapy, the tumors grew, with a baby on the way and worried about all that can go wrong, I was really feeling closed, bracing for the worst, practicing dealing with bad news.  Over the summer I've been able to relax, hear good news (Ruby's tumors have stayed the same, baby is healthy), and savor it.  Bonus: no cavities for me at the dentist yesterday. PS  Predentive, and a peeled  lemon in my smoothie, are my new favorite.

I feel joy. Mark and I walk across the parking lot as the kids run ahead, and I think "I really like my family".  I love right now. I thank Heavenly Father for another day, healthy, happy, safe. At the same time, I know hard things will come. We are going back to diapers, naps, nursing, not sleeping, fitting another person in our 3 bedroom living space...thats all the stuff I know will happen, and there is the unknown. I'm still excited.

I have hope that the doctors predictions can continue to be wrong, or different. Its a must, to have that hope. Its hard to plan, in our situation, with cancer doing who-knows-what in Ruby's lungs. To not assume everything will be perfect with this pregnancy. So instead of looking forward to that next trip, or holiday, or whatever, I get to look forward to after school, working out, walking around the neighborhood, (although not really bedtime-the brushing/flossing specifically).

It's not all fuzzy warm peaches. I feel like I have to qualify this post. I'm not all "Seize the day" over here. There is plenty I'm avoiding right now by doing something I enjoy, writing on my blog. Dishes, dirty floor, organizing/cleaning out clothes. And that pile next to my computer. Always a pile.

As I look at the childhoodcancerwarriors instagram account each day, I am reminded of reality, of the sadness and pain others are going through (as parents and children), and its a good reminder. I get another day with my people, my family, the girls.

family dinner in Park City

We got a surprise visit from Elsa and Anna!  My girls loved them more than any other Elsa and Anna they've ever met. Thank you to those who sent them and the Build a Bear gifts!

Siri's first day of 2nd grade. Glad I took this real quick and she was not feeling well from 6am-right before I hesitantly took her to school.

Through Millie's Princess Foundation we got to see Beauty and the Beast!

Glad I added this pic, it reminds me to write about this part of cancer. Everything I have read encourages more or mostly eating fruits and vegetables. Cut/limit sugar. I'm no doctor, but our cells like quick energy, cancer cells included. Our cells will convert fat or protein to glucose eventually, but I don't like the idea of making it so readily available-especially in worse forms like high fructose corn syrup. Yes, fruit has fructose...but also a load of other good stuff like fiber and nutrients. Not that sugar in general will guarantee the cancer to grow faster, but it certainly doesn't seem like it would help. Cancer also likes a more acidic environment...which can also be created by sugar. And most importantly... lots of sugar messes with your insulin, higher levels could influence tumor growth. No doctor here, but I haven't read anything yet that suggests sugar over a green smoothie.

Ruby isn't on any other treatment, so nutrition is all I know what to do to help her right now.

This. Is. Hard. Yes, for me as a normal healthy person, but especially feeding a 3 year old.  I want treats, I want to give the girls treats! I have felt like I hurt others feelings who have good intentions of giving a treat as a gift or kind gesture. Please don't feel bad! Its just not what her body should have right now.  So thank you first for reading this post, and for helping me feed Ruby as best I can.  

Sleepover at the Thack Shack and a hike to Donut Falls

Jane's 1st day of Kindergarten! 

Love that there is a cute group from our neighborhood

She requested oatmeal with peanut butter and sprinkles for breakfast :)

This was my favorite part of the day...seeing sisters walk home from school together.