Saturday, July 16, 2016
This story just gets better...
There are a lot of good gifts out there, but right now, we have one of the most best gifts of all.
Chances are if you haven't seen me or if we haven't electronically communicated lately, you wouldn't know...Baby Thack #4 will be joining our family in December!
If you have seen me, and didn't know, now you don't have to feel bad that you were thinking I was looking chubby. I'm 16 weeks, so still in the inbetween regular and maternity clothes kind of phase. Not my favorite clothes wise, but its great because I have been feeling less nauseated and tired, but still small enough belly to ride theme park rides and not feel like the heat of summer is evil.
I'm due December 27th, but will likely deliver the first week of December. I really hope my body can keep this baby in until 37 weeks. Why? Because its dangerous if I go into labor. With Ruby, they had do do both a horizontal, and vertical incision on my uterus. A regular c-section is a single horizontal incision, and if you have another baby after and go into labor, chances of your uterus rupturing are 1% or less. With a vertical incision, its 10%, so you really need to be careful and not go into labor. And with Siri and Jane I went into labor a couple week early. Ruby was 36 week but still weighed over 6lbs, Jane 2 weeks early and 8lb. I cook them quick...or unknowingly have gestational diabetes. And that's another thing. I really feel it will be a miracle if this baby is completely healthy with no complications. There are so many things that can go wrong. I still get a little scared each appointment that there won't be a heartbeat.
All my posts since the beginning of May (when I found out I was pregnant) could be revised as its changed our lives. But, I didn't want the interwebs to know yet, its way more fun telling people in person. I felt so sick all of May. Its crazy that I wouldn't tell people, but at the same time, there is nothing anyone could do to make me feel better. You just have to go through it. I admire women who are comfortable telling people right off the bat, and also admire those who can contain the excitement, sickness, and baby bump until later.
So now the story.
I've never had a strong feeling if we'd have more kids or not, but I have thought of the future, when I'm old, and pictured having more than 3. After Ruby's clear scans last July, I felt better about considering having another human being. Prayed, pondered, went to the temple, fasted. Nothing. No feeling being swayed either way. More of a "you decide this yourself" kind of feeling. I felt good enough about it and we had been trying since August to get pregnant. Its never taken more than 2-3 months for us. After a few months I was confused, sad. Why isn't this happening? Then I started taking ovulation tests and really trying. Still not pregnant. I threw that stuff away and left it up to Heavenly Father. I felt an impression to just focus on what I have right now. A couple months later we found out Ruby had cancer. It was a stressful time. But how glad was to not have a newborn at that time. Mark and I didn't exactly feel like snuggling much :) (Sorry if this is too much info for you, but its part of the story!!). A couple weeks later I found out I was pregnant.
I didn't feel elated or sad or anything, more just thinking really? really? After a week I couldn't keep in my excitement, and I told Mark. Then I was really excited. I very much know it is God's timing. I feel like this baby is such a gift to our family at this time. It has helped me not feel paralyzed by cancer. It is helping me feel joy, a deeper and better understanding of the importance of families, relationships and my role as a mother on this earth. I am anticipating and as excited for this baby as I was our first. We waited to tell anyone until we had our first appt, I really wanted to see a heartbeat. It was the day after we found out Ruby's immunotherapy didn't work. Those were some very emotional days, both up and down.
We will find out next month if its a boy or girl. Sounds crazy, but I'd love to have another girl. But, it would be new and exciting to have a boy. The girls all originally said they wanted a brother, but now they're all leaning towards a girl since Siri is saying boys stink, are loud, and take their shirts off all the time. I told her she and her sisters aren't much different! :)
Chances are if you haven't seen me or if we haven't electronically communicated lately, you wouldn't know...Baby Thack #4 will be joining our family in December!
If you have seen me, and didn't know, now you don't have to feel bad that you were thinking I was looking chubby. I'm 16 weeks, so still in the inbetween regular and maternity clothes kind of phase. Not my favorite clothes wise, but its great because I have been feeling less nauseated and tired, but still small enough belly to ride theme park rides and not feel like the heat of summer is evil.
I'm due December 27th, but will likely deliver the first week of December. I really hope my body can keep this baby in until 37 weeks. Why? Because its dangerous if I go into labor. With Ruby, they had do do both a horizontal, and vertical incision on my uterus. A regular c-section is a single horizontal incision, and if you have another baby after and go into labor, chances of your uterus rupturing are 1% or less. With a vertical incision, its 10%, so you really need to be careful and not go into labor. And with Siri and Jane I went into labor a couple week early. Ruby was 36 week but still weighed over 6lbs, Jane 2 weeks early and 8lb. I cook them quick...or unknowingly have gestational diabetes. And that's another thing. I really feel it will be a miracle if this baby is completely healthy with no complications. There are so many things that can go wrong. I still get a little scared each appointment that there won't be a heartbeat.
All my posts since the beginning of May (when I found out I was pregnant) could be revised as its changed our lives. But, I didn't want the interwebs to know yet, its way more fun telling people in person. I felt so sick all of May. Its crazy that I wouldn't tell people, but at the same time, there is nothing anyone could do to make me feel better. You just have to go through it. I admire women who are comfortable telling people right off the bat, and also admire those who can contain the excitement, sickness, and baby bump until later.
So now the story.
I've never had a strong feeling if we'd have more kids or not, but I have thought of the future, when I'm old, and pictured having more than 3. After Ruby's clear scans last July, I felt better about considering having another human being. Prayed, pondered, went to the temple, fasted. Nothing. No feeling being swayed either way. More of a "you decide this yourself" kind of feeling. I felt good enough about it and we had been trying since August to get pregnant. Its never taken more than 2-3 months for us. After a few months I was confused, sad. Why isn't this happening? Then I started taking ovulation tests and really trying. Still not pregnant. I threw that stuff away and left it up to Heavenly Father. I felt an impression to just focus on what I have right now. A couple months later we found out Ruby had cancer. It was a stressful time. But how glad was to not have a newborn at that time. Mark and I didn't exactly feel like snuggling much :) (Sorry if this is too much info for you, but its part of the story!!). A couple weeks later I found out I was pregnant.
I didn't feel elated or sad or anything, more just thinking really? really? After a week I couldn't keep in my excitement, and I told Mark. Then I was really excited. I very much know it is God's timing. I feel like this baby is such a gift to our family at this time. It has helped me not feel paralyzed by cancer. It is helping me feel joy, a deeper and better understanding of the importance of families, relationships and my role as a mother on this earth. I am anticipating and as excited for this baby as I was our first. We waited to tell anyone until we had our first appt, I really wanted to see a heartbeat. It was the day after we found out Ruby's immunotherapy didn't work. Those were some very emotional days, both up and down.
We will find out next month if its a boy or girl. Sounds crazy, but I'd love to have another girl. But, it would be new and exciting to have a boy. The girls all originally said they wanted a brother, but now they're all leaning towards a girl since Siri is saying boys stink, are loud, and take their shirts off all the time. I told her she and her sisters aren't much different! :)
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Road trip escape
My family (my 2 brothers, 2 sisters, their families, and my mom) have been planning a reunion trip to San Clemente, California since last year. It was meant to be and such perfect timing. I'm thankful my brother Matt helped organize it so it could really happen! The girls did great on the drive there and back. We got there on Saturday evening and went straight to the beach. It took me a while to escape our regular lives. I had a meltdown Sunday and a cry session while Mark listened. It was good to get it out. I think that really helped me enjoy the rest of trip. I loved not having anything else to do. I normally put Ruby down for a nap and 'get stuff done'. But there, I could just hang out with my sisters, or lay in bed with her. I loved laying in bed with her, the big fluffy white comforter and pillows. My kind of dreamy.
We did the beach all the days except Wednesday when we went to California Adventure. Our kids are at the young end of the cousins, so we didn't last as long, but it was worth it. Not until we got home, did I realize how little fighting there was between my girls or me and them. I thought it would take more patience on the trip, but it takes more at home.
We had originally planned to come home today, Sunday, but Mark had a wedding to shoot at Snowbird yesterday. I'm glad we came home a tad early. To be home, unpacked, and enjoy our Sunday, the sabbath, was really nice. I needed it.
Our ward fasted for Ruby today. I was thankful to fast also. I often feel hungry, but not today. Sometimes when I fast I'm praying, thoughtful. Today it was a pleading, begging in my heart. For a miracle, for understanding, mostly for peace. The bishop had let everyone know that we would close with a prayer at the church at 4:30. I expected a few people, but not the room full. Our dear ward, we love you so much. I wish I could talk to and thank each of you individually. It is time wise hard, but emotionally its hard for me to get the words out that I want to say. When we came into the church this evening I instantly thought of when Mark and I got married. We walked into the room, and it was full of people we loved. But the loved I felt back was so intense. They were all there for us and because they love God. Today, I got the same feeling. It is overwhelming and enraptured my heart.
The notes and cards on our door, delivered in person, or in the mail were read with happiness when we got home from our trip. To be basic about our current knowledge: Ruby is dying of cancer. It sounds so sad. It is so sad. But the next second I think, but we are all on that path. We will all pass through this life onto the next. We are blessed to have a more immediate presence of that. And, I still have hope that she may be able to stay. And she's totally ok right now. It is mind boggling sometimes. She's playing at the beach, has all her hair, runs around. Its not a la-dee-da bucket list everyday. I get frustrated, there are dishes and spills and teeth to be brushed. But I sit with Siri longer to try to understand her feelings, I let Ruby push the cart across the parking lot to return it and watch with love and not annoyance. I say 'no' to more stuff and spend time doing what I would actually want to be doing with my family and friends. And having my faith, the Gospel of Jesus Christ to have to guide me...it gives me just that, a guide. I sincerely wonder what/how people face death without it? It gives me motivation to focus on improving myself, to focus on the habits and the relationships. Cancer aside, sometimes I think "What if my house burned down?" What would I have left? My family. And I want that to be enough for each of us. Easier said than done, but all we can do is keep trying every day!
sibling fun grocery shopping
loved the condo we stayed at!
during church, Jane asked me how to spell all of this
Ellies Table bakery that was across the street. amaze.
We did the beach all the days except Wednesday when we went to California Adventure. Our kids are at the young end of the cousins, so we didn't last as long, but it was worth it. Not until we got home, did I realize how little fighting there was between my girls or me and them. I thought it would take more patience on the trip, but it takes more at home.
We had originally planned to come home today, Sunday, but Mark had a wedding to shoot at Snowbird yesterday. I'm glad we came home a tad early. To be home, unpacked, and enjoy our Sunday, the sabbath, was really nice. I needed it.
Our ward fasted for Ruby today. I was thankful to fast also. I often feel hungry, but not today. Sometimes when I fast I'm praying, thoughtful. Today it was a pleading, begging in my heart. For a miracle, for understanding, mostly for peace. The bishop had let everyone know that we would close with a prayer at the church at 4:30. I expected a few people, but not the room full. Our dear ward, we love you so much. I wish I could talk to and thank each of you individually. It is time wise hard, but emotionally its hard for me to get the words out that I want to say. When we came into the church this evening I instantly thought of when Mark and I got married. We walked into the room, and it was full of people we loved. But the loved I felt back was so intense. They were all there for us and because they love God. Today, I got the same feeling. It is overwhelming and enraptured my heart.
The notes and cards on our door, delivered in person, or in the mail were read with happiness when we got home from our trip. To be basic about our current knowledge: Ruby is dying of cancer. It sounds so sad. It is so sad. But the next second I think, but we are all on that path. We will all pass through this life onto the next. We are blessed to have a more immediate presence of that. And, I still have hope that she may be able to stay. And she's totally ok right now. It is mind boggling sometimes. She's playing at the beach, has all her hair, runs around. Its not a la-dee-da bucket list everyday. I get frustrated, there are dishes and spills and teeth to be brushed. But I sit with Siri longer to try to understand her feelings, I let Ruby push the cart across the parking lot to return it and watch with love and not annoyance. I say 'no' to more stuff and spend time doing what I would actually want to be doing with my family and friends. And having my faith, the Gospel of Jesus Christ to have to guide me...it gives me just that, a guide. I sincerely wonder what/how people face death without it? It gives me motivation to focus on improving myself, to focus on the habits and the relationships. Cancer aside, sometimes I think "What if my house burned down?" What would I have left? My family. And I want that to be enough for each of us. Easier said than done, but all we can do is keep trying every day!
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Fast for Ruby
Not like, quick hurry fast, but fasting and prayer kind of fast. If you like to join us and our ward family we will be fasting for Ruby tomorrow, Sunday July 3. We will end our fast with a prayer at 4:30 at our church building. I'm fasting for miracles, I want so much for the tumors in her lungs to shrink, to go away. It is not in my control so I will also be fasting to accept what lie ahead, whatever it may be.
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